


one. fulgurant

by valvet



Category: Moby Dick - Herman Melville
Genre: Catholic Guilt, Gay yearning, M/M, Religious Guilt, Repression, Tenderness, ahab monologues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:40:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23165641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valvet/pseuds/valvet
Summary: (adj) flashing like lightning.
Relationships: Captain Ahab/Starbuck (Moby Dick)
Kudos: 8





	one. fulgurant

**Author's Note:**

> this is bad but im gay and project onto starbuck for all my problems, men on a boating ship be like what shall we repress. allso i had no idea how the fuck to tag this cause this is just gay yearning. anyways enjoy cause moby dick is my new special interest

On such quiet and starless nights such as the one that fell upon The Pequod, Starbuck would be in bed. Under his sheets, staring up at the ceiling and the floor of the ship and attempting to coax himself to sleep; it usually didn't work but it was worth the try nonetheless to see if he could sleep on this ship. It wasn't that Starbuck didn't know how to sleep on a boat, he wasn't any fool and did it plenty of times! But, it seemed that the Pequod herself had done something to him, her whale bones digging into his eyebags and forcing him to keep himself awake. However, this night wasn't the case, instead, he was up past the foremast; his hands resting on the railing keeping him from not flinging himself into the ocean. 

Starbuck’s eyes heavy with not sleep, but yearning. His wife had told him to buy a house by the sea, mostly for easier access and for her to look out at it, waiting for his return. Alas, he knew he wasn't returning, that's why he let Ahab in after all. If he knew that this wasn't suicide, he would've left his captain back under the deck once he had made that move on him, his large hands on his face, cupping it as he leaned down slightly and kissed his lips. 

But thinking about that fixed nothing, he still had sinned, oh did he, letting his inner temptations ruin his chances to heaven. Ah, but the night calmed him of those anxieties, sure; Starbuck could see over the horizon clouds of dark grey and he could almost smell the rain, but it made him feel so welcomed. It wasn't like he was a man of the sea like most of his crew, and especially his captain, he was a churchman, he could recite a verse from the scripture like no other, but in terms of knowing the sea and all its mysteries? Ah, he knew only so little of the ocean, he was no Ahab in that respect. But alas, the depths of the sea, even with the little he knew of it, brought him some sort of calamity. 

However, that was broken by the inevitable sound of thunder, and the deep blue of the sky finally being overcast with greys and blacks. And with thunder, there always comes lightning and did it rain upon the sea. It was far enough away that it didn't serve as a threat that would have to be noted to Ahab, but certainly close enough to be seen. 

During the time that he’d spend on the land, Starbuck had noticed the rituals that his son would go through during a storm such as this one. As if his son himself was a witch, once the sky seemed slightly greyed and the clouds ready to burst at the seams, he’d run into Starbuck and his wife’s room and hide under the bed itself., their dog usually following suite. Usually, it was just a drizzle and then he, being the man of the house, would have to coax his wide-eyed son out from the bed and explain for the tenth time that God was sending down rain to help them, not drown them. But, when the storm would worsen and the lightning would strike in the far off; that's when he had to join his son under the bed; not out of fear, but to calm him.

When he had told the men and women at church about his boy’s habitat, they told him to just beat him out of it. That once he would get under the bed, to whip the boy until he’d stop. Which sure, technically could work, but was he really doing anything wrong? So, Starbuck put their “advice” into his back pocket and instead would lay with his son; patting his back gently as he would pry at him to at least talk about something. The silence to him was unnerving in its own sense, and his son being in so much fear made it worse.

_ “Daddy?''  _ His son would ask into the rug, Starbuck turned over to see his son still staring at the ground; usually, he’d tell him to look at him, but he wasn't a devil.

“Yes?” Starbuck replied before he could let out another word his son clung to him, grabbing at his crucifix necklace

_ “Can we please pray?” _ in a heartbeat he agreed, letting his son fiddle with Starbuck’s cross as he attempted to get out words, explaining to the lord above how terrified he was and to beg him to stop it. For he, like all mortal men, was afraid of God’s wrath. However, within Starbuck's own silent prayer, all he asked of was for the aching in his heart to stop, the odd feeling he could never pin down.

Of course, up until now; that odd feeling always boiling in his stomach near men was Ahab; he himself bubbled and brewed himself into his stomach, dug his way into the deep recess of his heart and belly, and for sure wasn't leaving. Till death, Starbuck knew, they would part. Like always, it seemed, when Starbuck would think about Ahab; he showed. Without noise he was beside Starbuck, hands keeping up his leg, which without a post to dig into, was quite difficult, Starbuck assumed, to walk with, or even stand with. His knuckles red and hairy as they gripped ever so harshly at the railing

“Aye, Mr. Starbuck, how does it lookout? Ye assume that we'll still be on track?” his voice crashed right through him, without even thinking Starbuck nodded. Which earned him a low hum from Ahab’s lips

“Tired, lad? Ye need me to send ye off to yer quarters?” Starbuck sighed, rubbing his eyes before at last looking over at Ahab. Lighting had struck a few miles away he assumed, and his face lit up with white and hints of blue; his scar like uranium as it gleamed like his hair did. A halo over his head and a devilish tail underneath his pants. Starbuck’s eyes widened slightly before calming, he was no suspicious man, he believed in God, not rumors made by men. But something about that moment, it brought his heart to a stop and he gripped at the rails as hard as Ahab was.

“No, captain; not tiredness is plaguing me” he began, Ahab came closer to him; enough to smell every inch of his sweat. “Aye, it's you that plagues me, Ahab is deep within my belly. I knew you will never leave me, and that's what brings me out here tonight. No sleep will be brought down upon me, for the Lord above will search my guts for you and smite me down to the depths of hell itself if he sees you” Starbuck, at last, felt the pressure from his hands relax and then at that, for his hands to crawl up to his rosary. Wrapping it around his fingers like always and rubbing the steel gently. However, the tranquility of it all was broken by Ahab’s booming voice.

“Dost Mr. Starbuck think lowly of Ahab? His own damned captain to be considered a plague? Hark! Ahab is no plague, he be a gift upon your belly lad! Take him with pride ye dog! Ah, but the lord watches, the lord sees nothing upon old Ahab’s ship! He be the god of this ship, I see it all and Old Ahab says that no smiting will occur if ye just let me in. Let Old Ahab take you to rest and brew within ye, lad! Let him show ye how to follow and lead the men on this ship, and let yourself show me your gratitude.” Starbuck, even with the knowledge that Ahab wasn't a physical man when he talked, flinched at his words. The back of his mouth dry with confusion and self-hatred, he got closer to Ahab though, standing to him face to face.

“Are you a faithful man? A man of the scripture even?” Ahab chuckled and another lightning bolt struck upon the water, lighting up the water and Ahab’s face again. 

“Why would a lord needst to be a man of the scripture?” Oh did he laugh! His booming attitude was as if he was himself the thunder before Starbuck, the scar across his face the lightning striking down upon the earth. He, for once in his life, trembled before another man the way he did before the cross. Ahab took notice of his knees buckling and the way Starbuck’s mouth seemed agape

“Ye’ve heard worse, no need to act as if Old Ahab shot ye in the knee, Mr.Starbuck” Starbuck laughed uncomfortably

“You’ve gone mad from this sea, haven't you, Captain?” he began, “proclaiming yourself as God, that isn't very Christian of you! The lack of sleep you have, the touching, the kissing, lord almighty! The sea brings you to your knees and you don't even know it! Throughout your trotting upon the deck, i can--” Starbuck stopped as another bolt struck, to close for comfort for the both of them this time. He let his hands at last rest at his side, and Ahab sneered

“Mr. Starbuck knows nothing of Ahab, ye know nothing of my psyche, nor will ye ever, for that is my story to tell, not yours.”

Silence fell between them, but the storm continued on, both of their faces illuminated once in a while by the glow of the lighting from far off. The Pequod still continued on towards Moby Dick, and at last, Ahab put a hand on Starbuck’s shoulder, he hoped it was to steady himself to leave, but instead he got was a kiss on his cheek. 

“Head off to yer cabin, Mr. Starbuck, I’ll patrol for ye, tired lad ye must be, want a good man like you awake for the morning” 

Starbuck’s throat grew dry again, however, he let out an “aye captain” despite the want to beg for Ahab to stop. Alas, it seems the kiss had pacified him for the night. He head off to his cabin with his hands in his hair and tired eyes waiting to rest, however, he knew Ahab was more tired than him, his hands more lonely and worn than his. And as he prayed before sleeping, he prayed for him to sleep through the storm, and for him, at last, to be at peace. Enough though he knew deep within his gut, that he’d never be at peace until he croaked. Till death would they part each other. 


End file.
